Matthew Wright
111-60
November 14, 2009
Diagnostic Essay (Revised)
True Freedom
Amidst scraping the crust from my eyes, I felt the light of morning pierce my pupils as if raping my very soul. Something seemed strange about this morning, but I just could grasp exactly what it was. My mind began to cycle through blurry images of the past few nights. Nothing of relevance seemed to stand out, so I chocked it up to one too many drinks and found it a good idea to wet the dog hair. Grabbing my favorite glass, I fill it with vodka, a half-shot’s worth of lemon juice, and the last of the cranberry-apple juice I had on hand. My throbbing head was soon soothed by the warm blissfulness of the drink. It didn’t take long for me to succumb to comforts of my recliner; before I knew it I had released myself from the chains of consciousness and maybe even life itself.
Now travelling through a world locked deep inside my own psyche, I saw remnants of events long forgotten to my current person. A young man appeared before me in the distance too far away to see his face, but judging from the way he was dressed, he looked like a real street urchin. Startled at first I found myself approaching this man out of curiosity, but very quickly found myself being pulled towards him, whether I wanted to or not.
Approaching the man with caution, I kept a safe distance. Stopping about 3 feet from him I asked, “Do I know you?” The man turned the rest of the way around. It was at that moment the knowledge shot through my brain faster than a bullet. Only six years ago this man was none other than me. After observing me for a second, I noticed a familiar look I only had time to ask “why?” a sharp burning feeling followed. The warm blood running down my chest confirmed my innate fear, I’d been stabbed. With so many thoughts running through my mind none of them were complete enough to form sentences. He then said slowly and calmly. “Hmph you didn’t try and run away there may be hope for us yet.”
I open my eyes again only to find my reality a grey haze almost as if my world had completely lost all color. I could smell burning cloth and had a metallic taste in my mouth that seemed somehow linked to my throbbing head. I tried to spit, managing to project the drool less than a foot from my mouth. That’s when I noticed it. My nose was no longer a nose but rather a long slender protrusion of my skull that contained my sinuses, and nostrils. Shocking as that was all I could do was look down at my spit. The blackened mass I viewed was unquestionably blood; the taste wouldn’t leave my mouth, so I looked around trying to find an answer to why I was in this condition. I tried to walk only to push my face several feet across the floor. Still in a daze I knew movement would be difficult, but this far surpassed simple disorientation. Pushing myself up with my hands now I lifted with ease, but not nearly to the height I had grown accustomed to. Using this elevated position to view my environment I saw my paws. “WAIT PAWS!?” I exclaimed with a resounding bark that shook the very foundation of the apartment building. It hit me then as clear as the daylight, I scorned not so long ago, that I had become a dog.
My first reaction was to move about the room and try to find some sort of clue as to why I had become, what I was at the moment. It didn’t take long to find him laying there, a pathetic mass of useless flesh and bones. A burning hate filled my heart and soul growling and barking I couldn’t understand my own thoughts, all that was clear was an outer worldly resentment of the man lying motionless on his reclining chair.
Even with this hate I found my front and rear paws moving synchronously as if I’d had them for years. My appendages drifting on their own carried me towards the door. I smelled the fresh air emanating from hallway. It was as if some force was out there calling to me. Needless to say my impulses got the best of me; after all I had a nice new body to test out.
Now freed from the confines of the apartment I felt an innate urge to explore the world no feelings of regret tormented my soul as I roamed the streets. There was no one roaming about at the time. I thought if I went outside someone would find me and bring me somewhere that I would be able to sort this all out after all I may not have the ability to hold a pencil, but that wouldn’t stop me from scratching out words with my paws. Calmly and confidently I began patrolling the street still seeing nobody. It had to be about nine thirty in the morning everyone from my part of town was already at work right now. So I headed down an alley to avoid being seen by police or animal control. It was there that I had my first true interaction as my new self.
He was a Rottweiler and had to be at least 8 human years old. He had one eye that clearly was no longer operable and countless patches of missing-hair that would have never again grown back. He growled at me, I responded by saying all I want to do is pass by, but nothing of the sort came out, I merely growled back. While flashing my teeth I felt my heartbeat climb to a whole new level I’d never felt before.
The battle was finished quickly I was able to narrowly dodge his fearsome jaws and grab the right side of his neck. One pull was all it took to turn the fight in my favor, smashing him against the building to my left provided the leverage necessary to finish the job my jaws had started. The dog’s neck was ripped open. As the dog bled out it remained silent but carried a look of acceptance on its face. No resentment or regret only a strange form of acknowledgement as the life flowed from his body and the light faded from his eyes.
At this point all I knew was that I seemed to be safe for the moment, and I didn’t quite have one-hundred percent control of this new body. Considering all that had happened I thought I should be feeling more overwhelmed or nervous at the very least, but once again all I felt was that rage from before, but this time it was more of an orgasmic release of pent-up emotions I hadn’t experienced in years.
I tried to speak, but failed, I tried to yell, and still nothing came out. I was unable to open my mouth. It was then that I realized I didn’t just have a loss of control over this body I had no control at all. I couldn’t move, but I could still clearly feel pain and emotion. It was too real to be a dream, but my lack of control forced me to believe otherwise.
I had given up trying to move my eyes still looking at the dead dog sprawled before me. This was when I first heard the voice “Do you feel it now, the futility of your efforts?” to which I replied “Yes I do, but who the hell are you?” “Think of me as an amalgam of everything you’ve thrown away on a daily basis for the last six years. That was when you decided to throw away your more undesirable traits. You made a sort of mental safe without a combination. At first you threw in your anger which still found a way to boil over for the first two years. In the eyes of society you seemed to be learning self control, but in reality you weren’t controlling anything you just kept on locking away everything that you knew people didn’t like to see. After about 2 years you figured out, you could even rid yourself of those emotions entirely. By using that lockbox you created as a memory bank making daily deposits of anything that could make you mad, sad, or depressed. You had forgotten words that you yourself once believed. You don’t remember “In the end were all just animals. A man is no different from a dog, a bear, or any other beast.” I think you lost the deeper meaning though or maybe you just never understood it the way I do. You see in the wild, animals have little need for things like self control, or a complex society that feeds off of the strong to give to the weak. You can’t just seal away part of your natural being and expect there not to be any ramifications! The emotions formed a base picture and the experience you donated finished the collage and allowing me to grow my own consciousness over time. Now you know what it feels like to be a passenger in your own vessel, and a slave to someone else’s will.”
Every word he spoke had the kind of righteousness that I could never find in a church or religious leader; this was real truth. My reply took little effort to conjure up “Saying sorry won’t do shit now, besides I won’t apologize to myself. I haven’t become that weak yet. So what do want from me… revenge?”
“Now we’re getting somewhere. You see as much as I want to kill you. I am still very much a part of you, as you are me. When you lowered your mental defenses far enough I finally found your main psyche, and by attacking that, I freed myself from your body, but I felt your presence inside me and was uncertain what killing your physical form might do. You see because we’re linked if your mind is destroyed I don’t know if mine can exist. Tearing your own body to shreds from your assailant’s point of view might just have pushed you over the edge.”
“So if what you’re saying is if you find a way to break out of this mental cage you’ve got me in, you’ll hunt me down and kill me?”
“Yes, and love every minute of it.”
I felt the adrenaline rise accompanied by a feeling of shear euphoria. I could
tell that the thought alone brought him some measure of peace. So much had happened in such a short amount of time for the both of us I realized he must still be adapting to this new body. At the beginning our thought processes must have been the same. That’s why I didn’t notice his existence at first.
Knowing that time was of the essence, I had to think of a way to make things right with myself, before it was too late and my consciousness torn in two forever.
“When you are rid of me where will you go, what will you do?” I asked in effort to buy some time. “Well for now I guess I’ll go live a few weeks in the woods I am a wolf and this is Alaska after all.” I could feel his uncertainty he hadn’t given it an ounce of thought his only concern was killing me and this question proved to be the foundation I needed to prove to him that he still needed me as much if not more than I needed him.
I needed to find a way to make things right and do it quick. He started to move, but failed to have the strength for more than a couple feet. He laid down for a minute devoid of all energy I knew in this weakened state of body and mind would be our only chance at ever reuniting, but I didn’t know what I had to do in order for that to happen. It all came into perspective in an instant. I knew the only way to make things right in both of our eyes. The words finally flowed from me in the confidence and righteousness I once knew.
“I have nothing, my job, my friends, my life none of it was real just a pathetic use of the system these humans created so that I could keep feeding from their handouts. I was born as a wolf into a world full of dogs. My soul was not meant to be tamed or controlled by anyone.”
Right then our minds hit that same beat at the same time, and I think he understood my intentions were sincere. “I’ll turn it over for now, but remember I have true control over this body and I won’t hesitate to kill us both.”
I awkwardly pulled myself to a standing position everything hurt and I was exhausted, but somehow I needed to make it back to my apartment. I was only about a block away, and the street was still clear so I stumbled towards me appartment fast as I could. Learning as I travelled, I soon developed a sort of gallop that took me to the steps that lead up to my apartment. I was on the second floor but climbing up the steps proved to be no easy task. I lacked the coordination to climb them in any sort of normal manner. After throwing myself up the steps, one after another I finally arrived at my door. I entered the house just past the entry way I saw it draped on the chair in a familiar manner the smell of booze burned my nostrils as I drew closer. With every step I took I felt the rage growing inside me, but this time it my own. I mounted my former body. It was clear what had to be done.
I opened my mouth and sank my teeth deep in to my old neck. The human body lied motionless as if nothing had happened. I thought to myself “No turning back now.” then clamped my jaw hard and threw my body off the chair with all my remaining strength. As the severed arteries spewed all the blood they had, my vision once again began to fade.
I once again found myself travelling through my own mind, as if on a tour of my own imagination. I saw him again. This time the environment was blank, all space was empty, but my feet seemed to be planted as if there was a floor. I approached him this time under my own power. He looked at me with a glance of uncertainty and said the last words I ever heard him speak. “Even though as a person we’ve failed there’s still hope for us yet; never lose it.”
With those last words I watched him burst into flames the fire grew larger and larger until all the space that surrounded me was engulfed. I soon began to feel a warmth in my stomach. The warmth rose from my stomach to my heart and from there I felt it surge throughout my body. It all hit me at once every time someone pissed me off and I did nothing, every time my boss stepped all over me at work, every time I held back what my impulses told me to do. It all gripped me at once. After a moment I started to calm down. Looking around I saw nothing in the expanse I looked down and didn’t even see myself anymore. All that was left was an unwritten record. This space was reserved for stories of my new future, a future as a complete entity.
I found myself trying to get up off the floor my hair stuck to the carpet with coagulated blood. The headache I’d had was gone and all my thoughts flowed with a sort of carefree clarity that I had never felt before. For once in my life everything felt right. Even starring at my mutilated human body sparked no sense of guilt, regret, or sadness. All I felt was true freedom, a freedom from rules, regulations, social circles, and society itself. This freedom came at a heavy cost, and I know I wasn’t the only one pay a price, but some things in life you have to fight for, and sometimes a worthwhile cause is valuable enough to sacrifice everything for. In my cause was the most worthy of all.
While gazing at my corpse, I heard the familiar sound of radio chatter and footsteps. I should’ve known the police would come but I don’t know how they found out so soon. With full control of the body and that little bit of rest I felt I could take on the world. With this new found confidence I charged out the door.
I bounded down the steps to find the police and animal control waiting for me. Luckily I didn’t miss a beat and managed to catch them off guard. I darted between two officers and leaped over their patrol car. I heard shots firing from their pistols. Thankfully no bullets met their mark that day.
I took off down the street, adrenaline pumping at the highest levels I had ever experienced. I knew if I hid they would find me sooner or later, so I found a familiar hiking trail I used to run. Joggers turned to sprinters as I bolted down the narrow trails. Tundra lined both sides of the trails here, but I knew an exit where it was only a short street away from me and enough woods where it wouldn’t matter if I was glowing orange.
I found the exit and no one had seen me in over a mile. I slowed down to scout out the area and look for potential hazards. Everything looked normal so I shot out into the cul-de-sac. I ran as fast as my legs would take me. Then I saw it. A police car had just turned in and was heading in my direction it, but it was too late now I was half-way down the street when the car came to a screeching halt right beside me. I didn’t look back I only ran.
The street that lied ahead of me was a typical three lane road; the woods on the other side however held my freedom. I heard the racking sound from a shotgun I knew I had to run faster no time to look for traffic. But as I look up all I could see was a mama moose with her cub. I was still thinking as human at the time and didn’t realize what I represented to her. Only thinking to dodge bullets, I ran out in the street a car clipped my rear-right paw slowing me down, but I still charged forward. I ran directly at the mother moose thinking this would make the cops shot more difficult.
As I ran at her she reared up on her hind legs and came down to strike me, but I was too fast. Darting through her hind legs, then she bucked and I felt my body rise from the ground. I was projected through the air ass over head 30 feet and slid up against a tree. I was in bad shape. I looked back to see if my pursuers were closing in but it seemed the enraged mama moose was giving them a whole new set of issues to deal with.
I picked up my injured body and sauntered off into the woods. That was two years ago. I now have a pack of my own and a real life where my only concern is keeping myself and my pack alive and fed. This is the way I think life was meant to be and looking back on it all I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Clarity or Insanity?
Here is a paper I wrote while mildly... okay severely intoxicated. Is it a reflection of my own beliefs (clarity) or merely a sad attempt at self expression that pulled from the sickest parts of my brain in an attempt to spark my own creative flare subconsciously (Temporary Insanity). Either way I hope you enjoy it.
Amidst scraping the extra thick crust from my eyes, I feel the light of morning pierce my pupils as if raping my very soul. Something was definitely wrong so I think to myself, what is so different about this day form any other. My mind then began to cycle through blurry images of the past few nights. Nothing of relevance seemed to stand out so I chocked it up to one too many drinks and find it a good idea to immediately wet the dog hair. Grabbing a familiar tumbler I fill it with my favorite vodka, a shot’s worth of lemon juice, and the last of the cranberry-apple juice I had on hand. My throbbing head was soon soothed by the warm blissfulness of the drink. It didn’t take long for me to succumb to comforts of my recliner, and before I knew it I had released myself from the chains of consciousness and maybe even life itself.
Now travelling through a world I had never known, seeing sights and hearing sounds that I could recognize but were surely not from my reality. A young man appeared before me in the distance too far away to see his face but judging from the way he was dressed, he looked like a real street urchin. Startled at first I found myself approaching this man out of curiosity, but very quickly found it was more than that. It seemed more like some ill willed gravity was pulling me towards him. Rather than fight it I decided to try and face my potential opponent head on.
Approaching the man with caution, I kept a safe distance. Stopping about 3 feet from him I asked, “Do I know you?” The man turned the rest of the way around. It was at that moment, the knowledge shot through my brain faster than a bullet. Only six years ago this man was none other than me. After observing me for a second, he gave me a look that I remember giving to people often in the past, and it always meant trouble. He then said his first words to me “The art of intimidation is all about finesse… you know the finer points.” I replied back “Why would you do this… I’m you!?” I didn’t quite finish saying “you” when I felt it, my chest being opened. A sharp burning tearing feeling followed. I should’ve remembered that back then I always carried a knife. With so many thoughts running through my mind none of them were complete enough to form sentences. He then said slowly and calmly. “Ha you didn’t try and run away there may be hope for us yet.”
I open my eyes again only to find my reality a grey haze almost as if my world had completely lost all color. I could smell burning cloth and had a metallic taste in my mouth that seemed somehow linked to my throbbing head. I tried to spit, managing to project the drool less than a foot from my mouth. That’s when I noticed it. My nose was no longer a nose but rather a long slender protrusion of my skull that contained my sinuses, nostrils, and the upper portion of my mouth. Shocking as that was all I could do was look down at my spit. The black mass viewed was unquestionably blood; the taste wouldn’t leave my mouth, so I looked around trying to find an answer to why I was in this condition. I tried to walk only to push my face several feet across the floor. Still in a daze I knew movement would be difficult, but this far surpassed simple disorientation. Pushing myself up with my hands now I lifted with ease, but not nearly to the height I had grown accustomed to. Using this elevated position to view my environment I saw my paws. “WAIT PAWS!?” I exclaimed with a resounding bark that shook the very foundation of the apartment building. It hit me then as clear as the daylight which I scorned not so long ago, that I was a dog.
My first reaction was to move about the room and try to find some sort of clue as to why I had become what I was at the moment when I saw him laying there a pathetic mass of useless flesh and bones a burning hate filled my heart and soul growling and barking I couldn’t understand my own thoughts, all that was clear was an outer worldly resentment of the sprawled motionlessly on his reclining chair.
Even with this hate I found my front and rear paws moving synchronously as if I’d had them for years. My appendages drifting on their own carried me towards the door. My neighbor Steve sauntered out of his living space when he heard the commotion. As old as he was this was no easy task and the time it took him to get to the door reflected that. I found myself lying in wait like a hunter that knew the kill was but moments away. My heart was beating beyond any beat capacity I had ever known, I think I was more anxious to see what exactly my own reaction would be having no plan and only my instinct to guide me. I knew the element of surprise would be advantageous to whatever lied in wait beyond the door. The handle started to turn slowly then fiercely the door shot open I was already mid flight when I saw Steve in his usual jean shorts and flannel shirt with a shotgun clenched in the low ready position my altitude dropping now I used my speed and reflexes to slip through his legs sinking my teeth on the inside of his lower right calf area. His old flesh and muscle however didn’t hold the bone well enough to counter my momentum and were ripped from his structure. The old man collapsed unable to support his own weight.
Now freed from the confines of the apartment I felt I had to explore the world no feelings of regret tormented my soul as I roamed the streets. There was no one roaming the streets though. I thought if I went outside someone would find me and bring me somewhere that I would be able to sort this all out after all I may not have the ability to hold a pencil but that wouldn’t stop me from scratching out words with my paws. Calmly and confidently I began roaming the street still seeing nobody. It had to be about nine thirty in the morning everyone from my part of town was already at work right now. So I headed down an alley to avoid being seen by police or animal control. It was there that I saw my first victim.
He was a Rottweiler and had to be at least 8 human years old. He had one eye that clearly was no longer operable and countless patches of hair that would have never again grown back. He growled at me, I responded by saying all I want to do is sleep, but nothing of the sort came out, I merely growled back. While flashing my teeth I felt my heartbeat climb once again, but this time, I was on the receiving end of the attack.
The battle was finished quickly I was able to narrowly dodge his fearsome jaws and grab the right side of his neck. One pull was all it took to turn the fight in my favor, smashing him against the building to my left provided the leverage necessary to finish the job my jaws had started. The dog’s neck was ripped open. As the dog bled out it remained silent but carried a look of acceptance on its face. No resentment or regret only a strange form of acknowledgement as the life flowed from his body and the light faded from his eyes.
At this point I could no longer tell whose blood I was tasting my own, my neighbors, or this stray dog. All I knew was that I seemed to be safe for the moment, and I didn’t quite have one-hundred percent control of this new body. Considering all that had happened I thought I should be feeling more overwhelmed or nervous at the very least but once again all I felt was that rage from before, but this time it was more of an orgasmic release of pent-up emotions I hadn’t experienced in years.
I tried to speak, but failed, I tried to yell, and still nothing came out. I was unable to open my mouth. It was then that I realized I didn’t just have a loss of control over this body I had no control at all. I couldn’t move, but I could still clearly feel pain and emotion. It was too real to be a dream, but my lack of control forced me to believe otherwise.
I had given up trying to move my eyes still looking at the dead dog sprawled before me. This was when I first heard the voice “Do you feel it now, the futility of your efforts?” to which I replied “Yes I do, but who the hell are you?” “Think of me as an amalgam of everything you’ve thrown away on a daily basis for the last six years. That was when you decided to throw away your more undesirable traits. You made a sort of mental safe without a combination. At first you threw in your anger which still found a way to boil over for the first two years. In the eyes of society you seemed to be learning self control, but in reality you weren’t controlling anything you just kept on locking away everything that you knew people didn’t like to see. After about 2 years you figured out, you could even rid yourself of those emotions entirely. By using that lockbox you created as a memory bank making daily deposits of anything that could make you mad, sad, or depressed. You had forgotten words that you yourself once believed. You don’t remember “In the end were all just animals. A man is no different from a dog, a bear, or any other beast.” I think you lost the deeper meaning though or maybe you just never understood it the way I do. You see in the wild animals have little need for things like self control, or a complex society that keeps the feeds off of the strong to give to weak. You can’t just seal away part of your natural being and expect there not to be any ramifications! The emotions formed a base picture and the experience you donated finished the collage allowing me to grow my own consciousness over time. Now you know what it feels like to be a passenger in your own vessel, and a slave to someone else’s will.”
Every word he spoke had the kind of righteousness that I could never find in a church or religious leader; this was real truth to me. My reply took little effort to conjure up “Saying sorry won’t do shit now, and I can’t do anything to make it right. So what do want from me… revenge?”
“Now we’re getting somewhere. You see as much as I want to kill you. I am still very clearly part of you as you are me. When you lowered your mental defenses far enough I finally found your main psyche, and by attacking that, I freed myself from your body, but I felt your presence inside me and was uncertain what killing your physical form might do. You see because we’re linked if your mind is destroyed I don’t know if mine can exist. Tearing your own body to shreds from your assailant’s point of view might just have pushed you over the edge.”
“So if what you’re saying is if found a way to break out of this mental cage you’ve got me in, you’ll hunt me down and kill me?”
“Yes, and love every minute of it.”
I felt the adrenaline rise accompanied by a feeling of shear euphoria. I could tell that the thought alone brought him some measure of peace. So much had happened in such a short amount of time for the both of us I realized he must still be adapting to this new body. At the beginning our thought processes must have been the same that’s why I didn’t notice his existence at first.
Knowing that time was of the essence, I had to think of a way to make things right with myself, before it was too late and my consciousness torn in two forever.
“When you are rid of me where will you go, what will you do?” I asked in effort to buy some time. “Well for now I guess I’ll go live a few weeks in the woods I am a wolf and this is Alaska after all.” I could feel his uncertainty he hadn’t given it an ounce of thought his only concern was killing me and this question proved to be the foundation I needed to prove to him that he still needed me as much if not more than I needed him.
I needed to find a way to make things right and do it quick. He started to move, but failed to have the strength for more than a couple feet. He laid down for minute devoid of all energy I knew in this weakened state of body and mind would be our only chance at ever reuniting but I didn’t know what I had to do in order for that to happen. It all came into perspective in an instant. I knew the only way to make things right in both of our eyes. The words finally flowed from me in the confidence and righteousness I once knew.
“I have nothing, my job, my friends, my life none of it was real just a pathetic use of the system these humans created so that I could keep feeding from their handouts. I was born as a wolf into a world full of dogs. My soul was not meant to be tamed or controlled by anyone.”
Right then our minds hit that same beat at the same time, and I think he understood my intentions were sincere. “I’ll give you ten minutes to make it right if you don’t I’ll die out and it’ll kill the both of us. Hell I’d probably get us both killed out in the woods anyways.
I agreed to his proposal then the body collapsed. I awkwardly pulled myself to a standing position everything hurt I was exhausted but somehow I needed to make it back to my apartment. I was only about a block away, and the street was still clear so I stumbled down the street as fast as I could. Learning as I travelled, I soon developed a sort of gallop that took me to the steps that lead up to my apartment. I was on the second floor but climbing up the steps proved to be no easy task. I lacked the coordination to climb them in any sort of normal manner. After throwing myself up the steps, one after another I finally arrived at the door my neighbor lay dead not 4 feet from the door the blood must have left his old body quickly. I entered the house just past the entry way I saw it draped on the chair in a familiar manner the smell of booze burned my nostrils as I drew closer. With every step I took I felt the same rage start to burn inside me but this time it really was mine. I mounted my former body. It was clear what had to be done.
I opened my mouth and sank my teeth deep in to my old neck. The human body lied motionless as if nothing had happened. I thought to myself “No turning back now.” then clamped my jaw hard and threw my body off the chair with all my remaining strength. As the severed arteries spewed all the blood they had, my vision once again began to fade.
I once again found myself travelling through my own mind, as if on a tour of my own imagination. I saw him again. This time the environment was blank, all space was empty, but my feet seemed to be planted as if there was a floor. I approached him this time in confidence. He looked at me with a look of uncertainty and said the last words I ever heard him speak. “Ya know if you can keep looking forward there may be hope for our soul yet.”
With those last words I watched him burst into flames the fire grew larger and larger until all the space that surrounded me was engulfed. I soon began to feel a warmth in my stomach. The warmth rose from my stomach to my heart and from there I felt it surge throughout my body. It all hit me at once every time someone pissed me off and I did nothing, every time my boss stepped all over me at work, even every time I got slapped by a girl I managed to piss off somehow . It all gripped me at once. After a moment I started to calm down. Looking around I saw nothing in the expanse I looked down and didn’t even see myself anymore. All that was left was an unwritten record. This space was reserved for stories of my new future, a future as a complete entity.
I found myself trying to get up off the floor my hair stuck to the carpet with coagulated blood. The headache I’d had was gone and all my thoughts flowed with a carefree clarity that I had not known since childhood. For once in my life everything felt right. Even starring at my mutilated human body sparked no sense of guilt, regret, or sadness. All I felt was true freedom, a freedom from rules, regulations, social circles, and society itself. This freedom came at a heavy cost, and I know I wasn’t the only one pay a price, but some things in life you have to fight for, and sometimes a worthwhile cause is valuable enough to sacrifice everything for. In my case I believe it was the last one.
While gazing at my corpse, I heard the familiar sound of radio chatter and footsteps. I should’ve known the police would come but I don’t know how they found out so soon. With full control of the body and that little bit of rest I felt I could take on the world. With this new found confidence I charged out the door. I saw paramedics attending to my neighbor I thought to myself “I guess the old man had more fight left in him than I gave him credit for.”
I bounded down the steps to find the police and animal control waiting for me. Luckily I didn’t miss a beat and managed to catch them off guard. I darted between two officers and leaped over their patrol car. I heard shots firing from their pistols. Thankfully no bullets met their mark that day.
I took off down the street, adrenaline pumping at the highest levels I had. I knew if I hid they would find me sooner or later, so I found a familiar hiking trail I used to run. Joggers turned to sprinters as I bolted down the narrow trails. Tundra lined both sides of tails here, but I knew an exit where it was only a short street away from me and enough woods where it wouldn’t matter if I was glowing orange.
I found the exit and no one had seen me in at least a mile I slowed down to scout out the area and look for potential traps. Everything looked normal so I shot out into the cul-de-sac. I ran as fast as my legs would take me, Then I saw it a police car had just turned in and was heading in my direction it was too late now I was half way down the street the car came to a screeching halt right beside me I didn’t look back I only ran.
The street that lied ahead of me was a typical three lane road; the woods on the other side however represented my freedom. I heard the racking sound from a shotgun I knew I had to run faster no time to look for traffic. But as I look up all I could see was a mama moose with her cub. I was still thinking as human at the time and didn’t realize what I represented to her. Only thinking I didn’t wasn’t to get shot I ran out in the street a car door clipped my rear-right paw slowing me down, but I still charged forward. I ran directly at the mother moose thinking would make the cops shot more difficult.
As I ran at her she reared up on her hind legs and came down to strike me, but I was too fast. Darting through her hind legs I felt my body rise from the ground. I was projected through the air ass over head 30 feet and slid up against a tree. I was in bad shape. I looked back to see if my pursuers were closing in but it seemed the enraged mama moose was giving them a whole new set of issues to deal with.
I picked up my injured body and sauntered off into the woods. That was two years ago. I now have a pack of my own and a real life where my only concern is keeping myself and my pack alive and fed. This is the way I think life was meant to be and looking back on it all I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Amidst scraping the extra thick crust from my eyes, I feel the light of morning pierce my pupils as if raping my very soul. Something was definitely wrong so I think to myself, what is so different about this day form any other. My mind then began to cycle through blurry images of the past few nights. Nothing of relevance seemed to stand out so I chocked it up to one too many drinks and find it a good idea to immediately wet the dog hair. Grabbing a familiar tumbler I fill it with my favorite vodka, a shot’s worth of lemon juice, and the last of the cranberry-apple juice I had on hand. My throbbing head was soon soothed by the warm blissfulness of the drink. It didn’t take long for me to succumb to comforts of my recliner, and before I knew it I had released myself from the chains of consciousness and maybe even life itself.
Now travelling through a world I had never known, seeing sights and hearing sounds that I could recognize but were surely not from my reality. A young man appeared before me in the distance too far away to see his face but judging from the way he was dressed, he looked like a real street urchin. Startled at first I found myself approaching this man out of curiosity, but very quickly found it was more than that. It seemed more like some ill willed gravity was pulling me towards him. Rather than fight it I decided to try and face my potential opponent head on.
Approaching the man with caution, I kept a safe distance. Stopping about 3 feet from him I asked, “Do I know you?” The man turned the rest of the way around. It was at that moment, the knowledge shot through my brain faster than a bullet. Only six years ago this man was none other than me. After observing me for a second, he gave me a look that I remember giving to people often in the past, and it always meant trouble. He then said his first words to me “The art of intimidation is all about finesse… you know the finer points.” I replied back “Why would you do this… I’m you!?” I didn’t quite finish saying “you” when I felt it, my chest being opened. A sharp burning tearing feeling followed. I should’ve remembered that back then I always carried a knife. With so many thoughts running through my mind none of them were complete enough to form sentences. He then said slowly and calmly. “Ha you didn’t try and run away there may be hope for us yet.”
I open my eyes again only to find my reality a grey haze almost as if my world had completely lost all color. I could smell burning cloth and had a metallic taste in my mouth that seemed somehow linked to my throbbing head. I tried to spit, managing to project the drool less than a foot from my mouth. That’s when I noticed it. My nose was no longer a nose but rather a long slender protrusion of my skull that contained my sinuses, nostrils, and the upper portion of my mouth. Shocking as that was all I could do was look down at my spit. The black mass viewed was unquestionably blood; the taste wouldn’t leave my mouth, so I looked around trying to find an answer to why I was in this condition. I tried to walk only to push my face several feet across the floor. Still in a daze I knew movement would be difficult, but this far surpassed simple disorientation. Pushing myself up with my hands now I lifted with ease, but not nearly to the height I had grown accustomed to. Using this elevated position to view my environment I saw my paws. “WAIT PAWS!?” I exclaimed with a resounding bark that shook the very foundation of the apartment building. It hit me then as clear as the daylight which I scorned not so long ago, that I was a dog.
My first reaction was to move about the room and try to find some sort of clue as to why I had become what I was at the moment when I saw him laying there a pathetic mass of useless flesh and bones a burning hate filled my heart and soul growling and barking I couldn’t understand my own thoughts, all that was clear was an outer worldly resentment of the sprawled motionlessly on his reclining chair.
Even with this hate I found my front and rear paws moving synchronously as if I’d had them for years. My appendages drifting on their own carried me towards the door. My neighbor Steve sauntered out of his living space when he heard the commotion. As old as he was this was no easy task and the time it took him to get to the door reflected that. I found myself lying in wait like a hunter that knew the kill was but moments away. My heart was beating beyond any beat capacity I had ever known, I think I was more anxious to see what exactly my own reaction would be having no plan and only my instinct to guide me. I knew the element of surprise would be advantageous to whatever lied in wait beyond the door. The handle started to turn slowly then fiercely the door shot open I was already mid flight when I saw Steve in his usual jean shorts and flannel shirt with a shotgun clenched in the low ready position my altitude dropping now I used my speed and reflexes to slip through his legs sinking my teeth on the inside of his lower right calf area. His old flesh and muscle however didn’t hold the bone well enough to counter my momentum and were ripped from his structure. The old man collapsed unable to support his own weight.
Now freed from the confines of the apartment I felt I had to explore the world no feelings of regret tormented my soul as I roamed the streets. There was no one roaming the streets though. I thought if I went outside someone would find me and bring me somewhere that I would be able to sort this all out after all I may not have the ability to hold a pencil but that wouldn’t stop me from scratching out words with my paws. Calmly and confidently I began roaming the street still seeing nobody. It had to be about nine thirty in the morning everyone from my part of town was already at work right now. So I headed down an alley to avoid being seen by police or animal control. It was there that I saw my first victim.
He was a Rottweiler and had to be at least 8 human years old. He had one eye that clearly was no longer operable and countless patches of hair that would have never again grown back. He growled at me, I responded by saying all I want to do is sleep, but nothing of the sort came out, I merely growled back. While flashing my teeth I felt my heartbeat climb once again, but this time, I was on the receiving end of the attack.
The battle was finished quickly I was able to narrowly dodge his fearsome jaws and grab the right side of his neck. One pull was all it took to turn the fight in my favor, smashing him against the building to my left provided the leverage necessary to finish the job my jaws had started. The dog’s neck was ripped open. As the dog bled out it remained silent but carried a look of acceptance on its face. No resentment or regret only a strange form of acknowledgement as the life flowed from his body and the light faded from his eyes.
At this point I could no longer tell whose blood I was tasting my own, my neighbors, or this stray dog. All I knew was that I seemed to be safe for the moment, and I didn’t quite have one-hundred percent control of this new body. Considering all that had happened I thought I should be feeling more overwhelmed or nervous at the very least but once again all I felt was that rage from before, but this time it was more of an orgasmic release of pent-up emotions I hadn’t experienced in years.
I tried to speak, but failed, I tried to yell, and still nothing came out. I was unable to open my mouth. It was then that I realized I didn’t just have a loss of control over this body I had no control at all. I couldn’t move, but I could still clearly feel pain and emotion. It was too real to be a dream, but my lack of control forced me to believe otherwise.
I had given up trying to move my eyes still looking at the dead dog sprawled before me. This was when I first heard the voice “Do you feel it now, the futility of your efforts?” to which I replied “Yes I do, but who the hell are you?” “Think of me as an amalgam of everything you’ve thrown away on a daily basis for the last six years. That was when you decided to throw away your more undesirable traits. You made a sort of mental safe without a combination. At first you threw in your anger which still found a way to boil over for the first two years. In the eyes of society you seemed to be learning self control, but in reality you weren’t controlling anything you just kept on locking away everything that you knew people didn’t like to see. After about 2 years you figured out, you could even rid yourself of those emotions entirely. By using that lockbox you created as a memory bank making daily deposits of anything that could make you mad, sad, or depressed. You had forgotten words that you yourself once believed. You don’t remember “In the end were all just animals. A man is no different from a dog, a bear, or any other beast.” I think you lost the deeper meaning though or maybe you just never understood it the way I do. You see in the wild animals have little need for things like self control, or a complex society that keeps the feeds off of the strong to give to weak. You can’t just seal away part of your natural being and expect there not to be any ramifications! The emotions formed a base picture and the experience you donated finished the collage allowing me to grow my own consciousness over time. Now you know what it feels like to be a passenger in your own vessel, and a slave to someone else’s will.”
Every word he spoke had the kind of righteousness that I could never find in a church or religious leader; this was real truth to me. My reply took little effort to conjure up “Saying sorry won’t do shit now, and I can’t do anything to make it right. So what do want from me… revenge?”
“Now we’re getting somewhere. You see as much as I want to kill you. I am still very clearly part of you as you are me. When you lowered your mental defenses far enough I finally found your main psyche, and by attacking that, I freed myself from your body, but I felt your presence inside me and was uncertain what killing your physical form might do. You see because we’re linked if your mind is destroyed I don’t know if mine can exist. Tearing your own body to shreds from your assailant’s point of view might just have pushed you over the edge.”
“So if what you’re saying is if found a way to break out of this mental cage you’ve got me in, you’ll hunt me down and kill me?”
“Yes, and love every minute of it.”
I felt the adrenaline rise accompanied by a feeling of shear euphoria. I could tell that the thought alone brought him some measure of peace. So much had happened in such a short amount of time for the both of us I realized he must still be adapting to this new body. At the beginning our thought processes must have been the same that’s why I didn’t notice his existence at first.
Knowing that time was of the essence, I had to think of a way to make things right with myself, before it was too late and my consciousness torn in two forever.
“When you are rid of me where will you go, what will you do?” I asked in effort to buy some time. “Well for now I guess I’ll go live a few weeks in the woods I am a wolf and this is Alaska after all.” I could feel his uncertainty he hadn’t given it an ounce of thought his only concern was killing me and this question proved to be the foundation I needed to prove to him that he still needed me as much if not more than I needed him.
I needed to find a way to make things right and do it quick. He started to move, but failed to have the strength for more than a couple feet. He laid down for minute devoid of all energy I knew in this weakened state of body and mind would be our only chance at ever reuniting but I didn’t know what I had to do in order for that to happen. It all came into perspective in an instant. I knew the only way to make things right in both of our eyes. The words finally flowed from me in the confidence and righteousness I once knew.
“I have nothing, my job, my friends, my life none of it was real just a pathetic use of the system these humans created so that I could keep feeding from their handouts. I was born as a wolf into a world full of dogs. My soul was not meant to be tamed or controlled by anyone.”
Right then our minds hit that same beat at the same time, and I think he understood my intentions were sincere. “I’ll give you ten minutes to make it right if you don’t I’ll die out and it’ll kill the both of us. Hell I’d probably get us both killed out in the woods anyways.
I agreed to his proposal then the body collapsed. I awkwardly pulled myself to a standing position everything hurt I was exhausted but somehow I needed to make it back to my apartment. I was only about a block away, and the street was still clear so I stumbled down the street as fast as I could. Learning as I travelled, I soon developed a sort of gallop that took me to the steps that lead up to my apartment. I was on the second floor but climbing up the steps proved to be no easy task. I lacked the coordination to climb them in any sort of normal manner. After throwing myself up the steps, one after another I finally arrived at the door my neighbor lay dead not 4 feet from the door the blood must have left his old body quickly. I entered the house just past the entry way I saw it draped on the chair in a familiar manner the smell of booze burned my nostrils as I drew closer. With every step I took I felt the same rage start to burn inside me but this time it really was mine. I mounted my former body. It was clear what had to be done.
I opened my mouth and sank my teeth deep in to my old neck. The human body lied motionless as if nothing had happened. I thought to myself “No turning back now.” then clamped my jaw hard and threw my body off the chair with all my remaining strength. As the severed arteries spewed all the blood they had, my vision once again began to fade.
I once again found myself travelling through my own mind, as if on a tour of my own imagination. I saw him again. This time the environment was blank, all space was empty, but my feet seemed to be planted as if there was a floor. I approached him this time in confidence. He looked at me with a look of uncertainty and said the last words I ever heard him speak. “Ya know if you can keep looking forward there may be hope for our soul yet.”
With those last words I watched him burst into flames the fire grew larger and larger until all the space that surrounded me was engulfed. I soon began to feel a warmth in my stomach. The warmth rose from my stomach to my heart and from there I felt it surge throughout my body. It all hit me at once every time someone pissed me off and I did nothing, every time my boss stepped all over me at work, even every time I got slapped by a girl I managed to piss off somehow . It all gripped me at once. After a moment I started to calm down. Looking around I saw nothing in the expanse I looked down and didn’t even see myself anymore. All that was left was an unwritten record. This space was reserved for stories of my new future, a future as a complete entity.
I found myself trying to get up off the floor my hair stuck to the carpet with coagulated blood. The headache I’d had was gone and all my thoughts flowed with a carefree clarity that I had not known since childhood. For once in my life everything felt right. Even starring at my mutilated human body sparked no sense of guilt, regret, or sadness. All I felt was true freedom, a freedom from rules, regulations, social circles, and society itself. This freedom came at a heavy cost, and I know I wasn’t the only one pay a price, but some things in life you have to fight for, and sometimes a worthwhile cause is valuable enough to sacrifice everything for. In my case I believe it was the last one.
While gazing at my corpse, I heard the familiar sound of radio chatter and footsteps. I should’ve known the police would come but I don’t know how they found out so soon. With full control of the body and that little bit of rest I felt I could take on the world. With this new found confidence I charged out the door. I saw paramedics attending to my neighbor I thought to myself “I guess the old man had more fight left in him than I gave him credit for.”
I bounded down the steps to find the police and animal control waiting for me. Luckily I didn’t miss a beat and managed to catch them off guard. I darted between two officers and leaped over their patrol car. I heard shots firing from their pistols. Thankfully no bullets met their mark that day.
I took off down the street, adrenaline pumping at the highest levels I had. I knew if I hid they would find me sooner or later, so I found a familiar hiking trail I used to run. Joggers turned to sprinters as I bolted down the narrow trails. Tundra lined both sides of tails here, but I knew an exit where it was only a short street away from me and enough woods where it wouldn’t matter if I was glowing orange.
I found the exit and no one had seen me in at least a mile I slowed down to scout out the area and look for potential traps. Everything looked normal so I shot out into the cul-de-sac. I ran as fast as my legs would take me, Then I saw it a police car had just turned in and was heading in my direction it was too late now I was half way down the street the car came to a screeching halt right beside me I didn’t look back I only ran.
The street that lied ahead of me was a typical three lane road; the woods on the other side however represented my freedom. I heard the racking sound from a shotgun I knew I had to run faster no time to look for traffic. But as I look up all I could see was a mama moose with her cub. I was still thinking as human at the time and didn’t realize what I represented to her. Only thinking I didn’t wasn’t to get shot I ran out in the street a car door clipped my rear-right paw slowing me down, but I still charged forward. I ran directly at the mother moose thinking would make the cops shot more difficult.
As I ran at her she reared up on her hind legs and came down to strike me, but I was too fast. Darting through her hind legs I felt my body rise from the ground. I was projected through the air ass over head 30 feet and slid up against a tree. I was in bad shape. I looked back to see if my pursuers were closing in but it seemed the enraged mama moose was giving them a whole new set of issues to deal with.
I picked up my injured body and sauntered off into the woods. That was two years ago. I now have a pack of my own and a real life where my only concern is keeping myself and my pack alive and fed. This is the way I think life was meant to be and looking back on it all I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
some of my favorite sites
This is the ASPCA's homepage: http://www.aspca.org/
Department of Education's homepage: http://www.ed.gov/index.jhtml
Here's the internet movie database: http://www.imdb.com/
This is Hulu an awesome site with streaming vids: http://www.hulu.com/
Here is a site for in for on psychiatry: http://www.psychiatry.com/index.php
Department of Education's homepage: http://www.ed.gov/index.jhtml
Here's the internet movie database: http://www.imdb.com/
This is Hulu an awesome site with streaming vids: http://www.hulu.com/
Here is a site for in for on psychiatry: http://www.psychiatry.com/index.php
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